The Manliest Religion

I'm going to show that Christianity is indeed the manliest religion ever.

First look at the stories of Christians and those in the Bible.  In the Bible there is the not so well known story of Ehud (Jdg 3:12-30).  Ehud is an assassin who kills the oppressive Moabite king Eglon.  He did so by hiding a foot and a half long sword on his right thigh.  He then approached the king with tribute and said that he had a secret message for him.  After the king's attendants left him, Ehud plunged the sword into the king, who was so fat that his belly wrapped itself around the sword, even the handle.  Ehud left the king dead with his sword in him, and then locked the doors when he left.  The attendants figured their king was relieving himself, but after waiting to the point of embarrassment, they unlocked the door and found their king dead.  Ehud then leads the Israelites against the Moabites, killing about ten thousand of them, and giving peace and freedom for Israel for eighty years.  Now tell me that is not a manly story about a manly man.
And in Christendom there are some really cool stories about St Francis of Assisi.  My favorite one is the one where St Francis strips down naked and runs through the city, in winter time, with snow on the ground.  He admitted to stealing some of his father's possessions in order to rebuild the church.  At the hearing he disowned his father and told him that he could take back everything that was ever given to him.  He then took off his clothes, declared himself an ascetic, and ran out into the snow naked.  Just imagine that!  Now what kind of religion considers such a man to be a hero?  A manly religion, that's what!  You can find all sorts of crazy stories, just like Ehud's and just like Francis', throughout the Bible and Christian history.

Its really no wonder there are stories like that when you consider Jesus, the one all of Christianity centers on.  He said things like: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple."  He means that you must be radical to be his disciple.  Its like the Marines - "the few, the proud, the Marines".  Plus he said things with supreme confidence (because he is the Son of God of course).  In Matthew 16:18 he says, "I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it."  And since gates are always used for defense, what he is saying is that his church will conquer.  Kinda like Julius Caesar when he said "Veni, Vidi, Vici", or in English, "I came, I saw, I conquered".  Furthermore, he said things without always being nice, and never once apologized for it.  In Matthew 15:16 Jesus basically calls his own disciples stupid.  In Matthew 23 Jesus calls the Pharisees and teachers of the law all kinds of nasty things, most notably "snakes".  In Luke 13:32 he calls Herod a fox.  Even more than that, he embarrassed his opponents everytime they tried to catch him.  He outwitted them every time.  Finally he did the most manly thing of all, so manly that he's the only man to do it.  He willfully died on a cross and then rose from the grave three days later.  There are so many things that Jesus did and said but that tops everything.  How can you not consider Jesus to be the most manly man ever?  And since he is, the church, or religion, he created is also the most manly church/religion ever.

Christianity is manly in more than just the obvious ways.  You may think that with all the love your neighbor/enemy teachings that its docile, like a bunch of sheep.  Jesus calls us sheep in the Bible, but Jesus sends us into the wolves and tells us to be as shrewd as snakes, like special ops sent into enemy territory.  The religion as a whole is strong like a lion and sneaky like a lioness.  As C.S. Lewis stated "Christianity is a fighting religion".  The real point is that our peacefulness is actually a mighty weapon against the enemy.  Killing people has never made believers.  Love and peace, however, are potent forces.  And Christians are peaceful in a way, but we are also looking for the next fight.  Its a fight to destroy lies that have eternal consequences.  Christians are a fighting bunch.  To fight is what we are called to do.  This whole design in Christianity, the fighting while being peaceful, the conquering without our enemies knowing it, is completely unique of all religions.  You will not find another one that has this quality.  Its a subtle strength, the best and manliest kind.  But most of all, it cannot be defeated.  Our enemies come after us with the usual methods, trying to scare us or kill us.  We cannot be scared, and everytime a martyr is made, more people are amazed by the courage of Christians, knowing it must be something real.  More Christians are made that way, just as the Christian martyrs conquered the Roman Empire. Christianity is like an unstoppable wall, like a Tsunami.  This is definitely one of the reasons I say its the manliest religion ever.

So now, though Christianity is complex and has different shades to it, it cannot be called even the least bit sissy or girly or wimpy.  If anyone does try to convince me that Christianity is anything less than a super manly religion, I think I'll kick their butt after I punch them in the face.